Three years have passed in a blur. I couldn’t , though I’ve tried, remember anything worth remembering in my high school life. Silly, isn’t it? I regret spending so much time on wishing to be somewhere else rather than the place God wants me to be. Now that the truth is slowly unfolding right in front of me, I can’t help myself but feel regret for letting the days of my youth pass without doing anything worth cherishing.

I made some friends, yes, I did. But sometimes I feel like there isn’t one whom I can call my own. I’ve always been with the people but I don’t feel that deep connection in my heart like what I have for my first friend. I studied a lot, but the knowledge I gained can’t compare to the memories other people made during those years. During my free time, I just surf the web, looking at strangers faces, wondering if those smiles were real, and if I can be that happy too.

I compare myself to other people.

That’s the problem. Because, though I try my best to live life the way I think I should there is always someone doing better than me, although I’m the one who obviously puts effort in doing so and it makes me feel like shit. The fact that no matter how hard I try, there is always someone who look at me as though I’m a little kid, trying to imitate an adult’s way. And I hate it. That feeling of envy, the triumphant smile on their faces, the way they showcase what they have on social media, having the spotlight while me, I’m just here trying to be like them, though I never will.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

I remember Mom telling me this when I was younger. I was wondering back then why Desiderata means so much to her, that she encourages me to memorize every line by heart. Now I understand, I surely do. I must not feel this way. This feeling is my weakness. Something that hinders me from becoming successful and happy. Somehow, I hope I can mend this handicap in my soul.

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